I used to be a screenplay agent. That’s right! I was one of those elusive people that screenwriters sent their screenplay to in the hope that they would be able to get their big break in Hollywood. And for many screenwriters, I was able to help them realize their dreams.
I worked at one of the larger screenwriting agencies. A screenwriting agency whose name I best keep a secret because the stories I can tell will definitely upset, offend and outrage some of my fellow screenplay agents.
On a daily basis, I was typically inundated by spec screenplays. Screenwriters would reach out to screenwriting agency after screenwriting agency trying to sell their screenplay, and invariably a large portion of those writers’ spec screenplays would find their way to my desk.
The good screenwriters were able to sell their screenplays, through persistence, developing good relationships and networking. Not to mention the number one ingredient—writing a great movie script!
But these screenwriters were few and far between. If I am to be honest, the vast majority of screenwriters would write to me with poorly written screenplays with bad spelling and pages missing. But this isn’t the worst of it. Just as a screenplay agent always remembers the best writers, a screenplay agent also remembers the worst writers!
And by worst, I don’t always mean bad writers, but rude people. I’ve lost count of the number of times that a writer wrote to me and said, “I didn’t know where to send a screenplay, so I sent it to you.” Please don’t do that. But if you must do that, please don’t tell me you are doing it. At least pretend to send your screenplay to me on purpose, so I can feel just a little bit special. Although this isn’t terrible, it’s tip of the iceberg rude.
Now I understand you want to sell your screenplay and get an agent, but you don’t know where to send your screenplay. That is completely understandable, but by telling a screenplay agent that you don’t know who they are or, indeed, if they can help you, you are instantly setting yourself up for failure.
You might have written a great screenplay, but that doesn’t matter. A screenplay agent will be reluctant to look at your work because they will already have a bad impression about who you are, and, most importantly, your professionalism.
I have received some even more juicy query letters from screenwriters telling me that they will, “personally kill me!” if I steal their screenplay idea and sell their script! The prospect of a screenplay agent stealing someones script is not only ridiculous, but the fact that the writer has just threatened to kill me sets of a thousand alarms.
These writers are generally the equivalent of lepers. No one wants to touch them. And they are essentially blacklisted by agents and screenwriting agencies alike.
In general, I look back on my days working as a screenplay agent with happy memories due to the fact that I was able to help many writers develop in their careers and artistic pursuits, and, for more selfish reasons, I was also able to read some fantastic screenplays along the way.
But I’ll never forget one struggling writer who wrote to me and threatened to sue me if I didn’t read his screenplay. I didn’t. He then wrote to me and said he would cut out my tongue if I didn’t call him back. I didn’t. He then sent me a package and inside… was a dead rabbit (with its head chopped off!).
The poor schmuck. He always wanted to be in the movies. Unfortunately, this poor schmuck left his return address on every other letter he sent to me. After my manager called the police (I think I was hiding under the desk at the time, quivering in fright, wondering if I was to end up like the rabbit on the table above me), I was later informed by the police that the rabbit killer had been picked up and charged, unsurprisingly, not for the first time.
There are, however, two great tragedies to this story. The first and obvious tragedy is the death of a lovely, innocent rabbit. The second great tragedy is the surprising fact that the rabbit killer’s screenplay was actually pretty good. He’d written a comedy (would you believe) about a clown that couldn’t smile. And it was one of the funniest screenplays I’d read in a long time.
If the rabbit killer had just been polite from the beginning, I honestly believe, without a shred of doubt, that the screenwriting agency I worked for would have represented him in a New York minute. Barring that, the crazy rabbit killer would have sold his screenplay for sure!
But I guess part of the problem is that thin line between genius and insanity . . . but one thing’s for sure, no matter how crazy you are, it never pays to be rude. And in Hollywood, that’s truer than ever!
*Jennifer Sloane has worked as a screenplay agent in Los Angeles and Nashville for the last five years. Jennifer loves good movies, music and animals. A former television and movie executive, Jennifer currently heads business development at Script Mailer (a company that connects screenwriters with agents and producers in Hollywood).